Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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