Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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