you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
