I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
