I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
