im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Randomize
