the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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