I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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