I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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