Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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