Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
