Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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