Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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