we're chasing vodka with high fives
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
