ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
