she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Pooping to opera.
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