if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
