Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
