So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
