I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
