I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
