If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
