Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
