apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
