mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Let's paint friendship bongs
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
