Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
This house was built for laser tag.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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