i think my tv is drunk
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
