i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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