Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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