Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
