i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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