in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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