Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
