I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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