just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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