it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
