The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
