I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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