i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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