WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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