i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
