Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
