that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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