i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
