last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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