i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
