So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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