dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
