You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
