Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
